Caution: Broken Girl Ahead

Evidently, when I signed up for this journey, I had no idea that it entailed a beautiful land, cool people, AND losing myself to who I thought I was.  This second month has been quite an emotional journey. A journey towards finding myself. I did, however, find myself in a book today. Boy, was that a relief! It’s like a doctor diagnosing your problem with a big, official, medical title, instead of hearing, “We don’t know what your problem is. Let’s run some more tests.” I really knew this was what was going on, but to read it in a book made me feel like my experience wasn’t necessarily normal, but real.

“It is imperative that we submit our lives to the hands of the Master Potter. We must allow the Lord to break us, refashion us, and if necessary re-commission us in a way more suitable for His purpose. If we miss this appointment on the Potter’s wheel, we are forever doomed to a life of mediocrity. If we make the connection, we will be transformed from glory to glory into the very image of Christ.” Larry Randolph, "The Coming Shift"

That's it? That sounds painful.

I feel as though my mind has been washed clean. Dumped out. Emptied. I was once full of experience, awards, and passion to lead others in the business world. I drove results, developed leaders and stood tall in my usefulness and success. Now, all I can execute are memories. That’s all that comes out. But the memories aren’t fulfilling me any longer. I am no longer me. Who I was is fading. I feel like a USB memory stick inside a non-compatible PC. All the training and developing of who I was in the business world is simply not converting to where I am.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding..." (Prov. 3:5)

I heard that Scripture the 2nd Sunday I was here. Little did I know that it was would be a huge, yellow caution sign that marked the road ahead. That scripture now rings inside this emptied mind. I always thought it was just a fun little scripture that reminded me to always get God’s opinion and perspective on whatever task/problem I was working through. Cute, huh? I am now living out and defining the deepest aspect of what that scripture could possibly mean to me.

"Lean not on your own understanding" = to have all of your understanding washed from you so you can’t even lean on it even if you wanted to.

I never knew my work defined who I was this much. That every part of my being was wrapped up in the success of my career. That is, until it was all removed. Every bit of it. A tall empty body is all that is left.

I am now officially broken wide open and am being re-built. This 6 foot girl is still growing.

I have been sent to an environment that is divinely orchestrated by God to break down my confidence in my flesh. And if I didn’t make this move to the other side of the world, then all that I once was wouldn’t continue growing anyway. The memories of the excitement and prestige that I can play in my mind would have ended in a life of mediocrity.

It's no longer about my performance, but about His grace.